Are you an Emotional First Responder?
HOW TO CARE FOR YOURSELF WHEN YOU’RE EVERYONE’S GO TO PERSON.
Math was never my favorite subject when I was a kid. In fact, I did everything in my power to avoid numbers all together. I’m pretty sure I passed 10th grade algebra by staying after school to listen to my teacher express his frustrations with geopolitical current events (alas, the TRL countdown had to wait). However, what I did learn from those talks was that people need to be heard. From an early age, I recognized the power of being an open ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a trusted soundboard. For those of us who have been trusted confidants since we were mediating conflict on the playground, we know the thrill we get from helping others and we quickly become known as an Emotional First Responder. And while being talented at holding space for and supporting friends with deep empathy can be fulfilling, we often forget the toll it may take on our own well-being.
So despite math being a subject I tend to avoid at all costs (shout out to my Tip Calculator App users), I present to you my Emotional First Responder equation for success! (note: I have forgotten how equations actually work and this is purely for the benefit of this lesson on wellness. Keep in mind, I really do use a tip calculator!):
Notice
When someone comes to you with an issue or need for emotional support, what do you notice about how this person seeks your advice.
· Is there a pattern to what they are asking you?
· How long do you usually set aside to help this person get to the bottom of their problem?
· What time of the year is it? Might they seek out your support when seasons change? Could their sadness be related to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)?
· Are they exhibiting behavior changes? Withdrawn, avoidant, lack of joy in activities they usually care about, poor sleep hygiene, food becomes moral, Expressed dread? These could be some signs of depression, anxiety, or other clinical mental health issues.
Feel
When you provide comfort to others or help them with a problem in their life, what do you feel?
· What does your gut say to you?
· Do you feel empathy for this person?
· Are you feeling frustrated with them coming to you for help?
· Is your gut telling you to do something different than you’re telling them?
· Do you feel hypervigilant with this person? Or feel like you’re the only person who is holding all their pain?
Your gut might be trying to protect you. Are you listening to it?
Respond
Sometimes we can get so caught up in not wanting to add to a person’s pain, we tend to say something…or anything to make their pain go away. What message are you sending in your response?
· Look for an opportunity to express empathy… and know the difference between empathy and sympathy.
· Normalize their feelings, emotions, and experience. Have you been there before? Do you know for a fact that they are not alone in their worry or pain? Tell them!
· Suspend judgement or “side taking”- remember that they might be speaking from a wounded place and sometimes we lash out with a tender/hurt heart. Focus on their emotions and the specific ways you can support them in that moment.
· Ask about their support networks or what has worked in the past for them.
· Know when to refer them to a resource like a professional counselor, couple therapy, life coach, etc*.
· When in doubt:
o Reflect and summarize what they’ve told you
o ASK- “What would help most in this moment?”
o SAY (as Brené Brown suggests)- “I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just glad you told me."
Follow-Up with your Friends
Sometimes we offer people a shoulder to cry on and that’s that. Part of supporting someone through a tough time is sometimes showing them tough love. How can we hold them accountable to their wellness goals? How can we be like a coach that cheers them on?
How are they feeling after your chat?
Did they try any new behaviors/resources?
Do they know how you’re feeling?
Follow-Up with Yourself
Helping others can be exhilarating, noble, and oh-so-rewarding. However, we sometimes forget the emotional toll it takes on us and our loved ones. Are you helping others and forgetting about yourself?
How are you feeling after your chat?
Have you checked in with your support network or trusted fellow-helpers?
What are you going to do for your self-care?
If you can relate to being an Emotional First Responder and you’d like to put tools into action for your wellness in therapy, let’s talk. Send me a text or call today and let’s put your mental health first, together.
Visit my website to find out more about the type of therapy I do in Fort Collins and online in Colorado at www.axiscounseling.com
Adam-Jon Aparicio, LPC
970-239-1983
Axis Counseling, PLLC
WHERE WELLNESS MEETS ACTION
*If you or a friend is experiencing suicidal thoughts call 1-800-273-8255 or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
